Unfortunately that's not the case.
I still feel angry. At everything.
I have no idea what's wrong with me, I've never felt like this before. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed... I'm just angry. Anything can piss me off. Anything at all.
I can't figure it out. I hoped this mini 4 day vacation will help me clear my mind but it didn't. Just the opposite actually. It made me doubt everything even more.
I want to cry. For the first time in my life I really want to cry and take it all out. But of course I can't. I can't make one tear come down. I don't feel like crying and wining. I feel like screaming. All the time I feel the need to scream as loud as I can. Of course that can't happen. Which, surprise surprise, pisses me off.
In the few moments I actually thought clear of the whole situation I realized I need action. And what I mean is I just want something to happen. Anything. It just has to be different.
Like...
Like go out with an old friend I haven't seen for a while.
Like go out and just party. Without thinking and dreaming and thinking again.
Like go to a different place. Place I've never been to. Or at least not for a while.
Like letting go.
Not that I expect to get what I need. Normally what I need always comes a little late.
But for the first time I'm not waiting for it.
Now while writing I'm really starting to think to go back to boxing. Not that I train or anything. I have a pair of old boxing stuff in my apartment. And would be the perfect time to use them again. Just get my energy out somewhere.
I can't even read. Normally reading calms me down. Always. Now I can't sit and read. I don't understand the lines I'm reading, I can't stay still at one place for more than a few moments.
And completely out of the context but I REALLY miss going to football games. Going to the stadium makes me feel most alive. But it's a mid season. For another 20 days at least. And that is really really really pissing me off. I need to go to the stadium. I know that will help a lot. With everything. I'm sure it will.
Yeah.
So that's how it's being in the last coupe of days.
Not good.
Not good at all.
And at the end of the day I wonder why I can't think of a person who can help me. A person I can talk to. Like I said in my last (or next to last?) post - I have friends, I have family... but I don't have that person I can sit with and say everything in my mind. A person who will try to help me without judging and screaming. And will do it for me. Not because he needs me to do something for him, not because that will help him convince me to do what he needs me to do... Just for me. And that's why I'm stuck on this Three Days Grace song. It's a lot of what I'm feeling right now. Not mention it has a good kind of angry energy. Which is perfect for right now.
At the end of the day I just don't see who will help me find the right way up.
Which means that I will have to help myself. Like I always do.
