Where did all the people go

<3

To be honest I feel kind of weird lately. Like... I'm lonely, really really lonely. But... somehow I feel strangely calm. In general I even feel good. Of course this could mean both good and bad. The good, obviously, is that... well I feel good. I'm not sad, I don't cry anymore... it's like everything is okay. On the other hand - is it possible I really stopped caring? I wanted so bad to be able to live my life alone. But now when it seems I finally can I start to be a little scared.I wanted to be able to but I never thought I have to actually start living like that. Don't get me wrong - I still have friends and, of course, my family. But I suddenly started feeling so distant. Like I don't need any of this. Which is rediculous.

Right now I really want to get out of Bulgaria. Not because I don't love in here. I do. I love everything about Sofia, Sapareva Banya and Bulgaria in general. But I just have to get out of here. I want a fresh start. And I can't have it here. I just can't. I need to go away at least for a while. I need to study something I want, I need to meet new people, and I just need... to change the picture in front of me. You know. So I guess I have to win the lottery or something like that to finally feel free. Isn't that funny? A lot of people can't afford college but they all want to go to college mostly to study. Not that I won't do that. But my main reason is the need to feel free and finally find who the hell I am. And I think it's now or never. If I stay one more year here I'm stuck forever. In someone else's dreams, with the same people, the same picture and the same loneliness. Maybe I'm not the best person in the world but somehow I believe everyone deserves some happiness and... I don't know, at least to try and accomplish his own dreams. But maybe I just read way too many books.

You can see how it is these days. Somehow I still feel calm. And maybe I have even more motivation. You know, the good thing about being a believer is you never lose hope and you always believe everything will be okay. Even when it obviously isn't, even when you know it won't... you still believe. That's one thing I learned in the last few months. I HOPE it's enough for now. To keep everything together no matter how awful it is in the reality. Believe.

I know that life won't break me

<3

To be honest with you I'm having a great week so far. And it's great just because it's great. No reasons, no explanation. Just like that. Just because it had to be. Because I needed it to be.
I'm starting to realize positivism really works. Like...  don't know. I didn't exactly believe in all mumble jumble about positive thoughts lead to good karma. I don't know if it's karma or something else but positive thoughts really lead to something good.
Sometimes I wonder if I had spent my time more feeling happy just because it's sunny outside for example... would I be happier by now? I mean not that I'm not now. But there are still things I want to be better. Not to mention I still have my crisis appearing from the thin air. Like Sunday evening. I cried almost all night for no particular reason. Of course I had a lot of things in my mind, I thought about my grandfather, about friends I've lost, about the really nerve wrecking end of the school year. But not one of this things is new or something I haven't thought about before. The result was I went to school with red eyes and one hour of sleep. Which by the way is really not enough.
In the same time I'm happy. I can't say I'm not. I'm finally seeing a light in the tunnel. And it's not the incoming train. Well, I hope so. But I finally feel like there's a exit. The darkness I used to live in the last four years is finally going away. Slowly but it's still moving. I feel like if I want to I can really accomplish the things I want to. Or maybe I'm just growing up and my teen hormones are going away. But whatever it is, I love it.
You know, I think it's time for me to really start writing again. And not just here. I mean like really writing. I have so many ideas in my head and for once I really feel inspired. I almost feel like I need to write. And maybe that's why I'm trying to let it out here when I should definitely let it out at my last project stopped at the beginning of chapter 1 - number 101 in my list.

I guess I should stop for today. Before I get too winy and... well, boring.
But hey... tomorrow is Thursday. And I don't expect a bad thing to happen (because something bad ALWAYS happens on Thursday). But not tomorrow. Tomorrow I will make it better no matter what happens. Because that's how I want to be. Yeah, aren't you proud of me lol lol