With the lights out it's less dangerous

I love love love this one <3



I guess what you all have to know about me is this - I’m not responsible but I’m not irresponsible as well, I’m not confident but I’m not too shy, I can be happy and sad at the same time (and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be) and I don’t need much to feel good. I just need music. Lots and lots of music, for every single mood in the world. And books. Even more books. I need as much books as it’s possible for a single person to read for a lifetime. And I need love. It’s not necessary to come from a person. I need some love even if it comes from me. Maybe I just need TO love.

And today I need to sleep. But I don’t want to. Because today I feel extremely… happy. But not the excited happy, there’s no euphoria, dancing and singing. There’s… silence. And I’m calm. I’m loving the silence. I’m loving the loneliness which isn’t making me feel lonely. If you know what I mean. But you probably don’t.

I wish I had enough power to tell you about my day. I wish I was able to express why this day made me feel like this. Maybe tomorrow I will. Maybe tomorrow I will tell you how much I loved The Perks of Being a Wallflower, how much I love football and how it makes me feel (and how… mixed up are my feelings today), how much I enjoyed finally being in Literature class again and how much it scares me the fact that this is my last year of high school. Maybe tomorrow, maybe never.

Let me tell you something about today… It was weird. Like too weird.

Not that something concrete happened. I just got to see myself form the outline. And for the first time I realised exactly how crazy I am. And it’s a lot more than I thought. Which, of course, it’s normal. At least I guess so.
But hey, tomorrow is Friday. Sometimes I surprise myself with my positivism. I wasn’t that silver lining girl a year back. So maybe everything is going okay. Slowly but it’s still in the right direction. Right?
I still think I need something to make me stop thinking. If you know of something - please let me know. It’s kind of important.. Anyone?Of course not. Ha, someday I will find something like that! Sigh… maybe. Not.

Okay, that’s officially the most… I - don’t - even - know - how - to - call - it post. Let’s just end it.
Yours truly,
Ellerina - a work in progress

Over and Over

<3 This guys are my new obsession.
The last first day of school. It's kind of weird. It's hard to believe next year I won't be going to school. Maybe I'll be in Italy by now. It's like... good but bad in the same time. I guess I sound a little crazy but I don't know how to feel today. I guess the right word is... a little lonely. Confused. Tired. Maybe tired is the best choice.
Emotions are, like always, too much. Sometimes I hate being so emotional and sensitive. And not showing it sucks even more. Because let's be honest - no one likes too much sensibility. And to be even more honest - even I don't like too much sensibility.
I just need to sleep. I'm always like this when I didn't have enough sleep. Let's be positive - tomorrow will be better than today.
I want my freedom back. Because no matter what happens it's better when you feel free. Free to do what you think is right, what you feel is better for you. Whatever makes you happy. I'm tired of feeling... numb. Blocking feelings is no better then showing them too much. And I do one or the other over and over and over again. Which probably makes me... not very smart.
School hasn't started yet and I already need a break. Actually I need a break from my thoughts. I'm making it harder myself. Again - not very smart.
The positives about today are I'm starting to really want to go to Italy. Just get out of here for a while before I go completely crazy. As much as I am afraid of the new beginnings I'm even more afraid to stay stuck here with the same doubts and fears. Maybe Italy is the place to find people I trust. As hard as I tried to trust people here I can't. Not that is their fault. I don't trust anyone just like that. I can't, it's not me. I always think and think and - surprise, surprise - think again. And at some point I successfully manage to doubt every word I hear. I don't need everyone to tell me how much they love me or to call me everyday. I need to just... feel it. I don't know how to explain it.
And now I sound like a depressed eighteen year old. Which is totally not good. I have to do something that makes me happy. Something I love. But alone. Just to find the moment when I'm alone and I don't feel lonely. Tomorrow. I will draw, or write, or read, or take pictures... Go to the bookstore, or buy new sketch book, or find a beautiful notebook to write ideas in. I can go to the photo. I decided to start printing pictures for... something like a memory book. But since I don't have enough money to print them all at once, I decided to print 20 per month. Let's just hope I'll keep it going.
And now I feel a little bit better. I always do when I write here. I'll start to write more often maybe it will help me be... a normal happy eighteen year old.
Like I said tomorrow will be better. And if it's not... I will We will have to make it better. And by we I mean me and the people I should trust. Because you know me. No matter how I feel I love all of them too much to let go. I won't let them slip away. So the only choice I have is to try not to think too much and just jump forward in trusting them and hoping it will be worth the effort.
Tomorrow will definitely be better.

There’s nowhere we can hide

September is here.
And suddenly I feel like writing in English.
Actually I feel really different lately. No because something happened or I want to change. It's one of those moments when you know you're changing and you have no idea if you want to or is it going to be a good or a bad change. It's just happening. And we all know there's no way to stop it.
So I'm in different mood pretty much every second. But that's not surprising. It's always like that in September. The end of summer is always pretty emotional for me. It's an end and a beginning in the same time which is pretty confusing I guess.
Which leads me to the though of one the most amazing summers I had. If you ask me why I can sit here all night and tell you about every single little thing that made me smile or feel happy. And I'm guessing you won't be very entertained. So I won't do this to you. I'm still not that cruel. But the best thing about it is that even when I forget about all the little things that made me smile I will still remember the feeling this summer brought me. It's not fading away, it's going to be my warmth when the winter comes.
I had the best time at Arapya this year. It was so perfect. Nothing like I imagined it was going to be and still even more perfect. I won't tell you all about it either. It's something you can't really describe in a few sentences. Actually I can't describe it even if I write a whole book about it. Because I can't describe a feeling. That's the weakness of my writing. Strong feelings are always the hardest to explain.
I'm trying to prepare myself for the new school year. The last school year. It's strange to know this is my last year in school. I have absolutely no idea where I'll be at this time next year. Maybe Milan, or London, or Rome... or even Sofia. I don't know. I don't know what I want, I don't know where is the best place to be. For me. I want to make the right choice for once. I don't want to regret it again and the next five years to be like the last. I guess we'll see.
Until then I have four days of freedom left. And I think I really want to make them worth. I want this summer to have the ending it deserves. And all starts here, at Sapareva Banya. Here where it started.
There's nowhere we can hide from the falling leaves and the rain and the cold. There's nowhere we can hide from the autumn. But maybe soon we won't have to. Maybe the change won't be only for me. Maybe it will be the big change I need. We need. Maybe finally even autumn will bring a feeling worth remembering. Maybe.