I guess what you all have to know about me is this - I’m not responsible but I’m not irresponsible as well, I’m not confident but I’m not too shy, I can be happy and sad at the same time (and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be) and I don’t need much to feel good. I just need music. Lots and lots of music, for every single mood in the world. And books. Even more books. I need as much books as it’s possible for a single person to read for a lifetime. And I need love. It’s not necessary to come from a person. I need some love even if it comes from me. Maybe I just need TO love.
And today I need to sleep. But I don’t want to. Because today I feel extremely… happy. But not the excited happy, there’s no euphoria, dancing and singing. There’s… silence. And I’m calm. I’m loving the silence. I’m loving the loneliness which isn’t making me feel lonely. If you know what I mean. But you probably don’t.
I wish I had enough power to tell you about my day. I wish I was able to express why this day made me feel like this. Maybe tomorrow I will. Maybe tomorrow I will tell you how much I loved The Perks of Being a Wallflower, how much I love football and how it makes me feel (and how… mixed up are my feelings today), how much I enjoyed finally being in Literature class again and how much it scares me the fact that this is my last year of high school. Maybe tomorrow, maybe never.
Let me tell you something about today… It was weird. Like too weird.
Not that something concrete happened. I just got to see myself form the outline. And for the first time I realised exactly how crazy I am. And it’s a lot more than I thought. Which, of course, it’s normal. At least I guess so.
But hey, tomorrow is Friday. Sometimes I surprise myself with my positivism. I wasn’t that silver lining girl a year back. So maybe everything is going okay. Slowly but it’s still in the right direction. Right?
I still think I need something to make me stop thinking. If you know of something - please let me know. It’s kind of important.. Anyone?Of course not. Ha, someday I will find something like that! Sigh… maybe. Not.
Okay, that’s officially the most… I - don’t - even - know - how - to - call - it post. Let’s just end it.
Yours truly,
Ellerina - a work in progress
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