He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm...

I haven't been that angry for a long time.

No, seriously. 

It's like my whole body wants to explode from all that anger I have in it.

I can't even stay at the same place for more than a few seconds. 

Normally when I feel that way I end up drinking smoking and writing. So here I am. I guess traditions are to be kept.
And the worst thing is I don't know who I am angry at more. My mother for being so pushy to make her dreams come true using me for it, or myself for falling for sweet words and promises. 

Maybe I win the competition after all.

I let myself down like I've never had before. Ever.

I'm kind of tired to keep my feelings all for myself. It's got to just come out. All of this crap inside my head just has to go out. Before I destroy myself.

I know I made a mistake. But it's not only that. My life is a mess already. And the scariest thing is that I'm only 18 years old. 

Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm not sure.

Having a messy life at 18 is not what I hoped for. 

It's even more frustrating how not caring is everybody around me. My family cares about their dreams and wishes. They didn't even bother to think for just a second how I feel and want I want and need. It takes just a few moments. And they couldn't. My friends left just like that. One by one they chose to follow their own road without looking back. Not that I don't understand. But maybe I don't. I still don't want to believe I don't deserve a little appreciation after everything that I've done for all of those people. After I gave them my heart. 

With my stubbornness I want to prove I can succeed in what I got myself into. I want them to know I can do it without them. I want to prove to myself I can do it. On my own.

At the same time I want to follow my dreams. I want to study what I want. I want to work what I want. What I am good at. Not my mom, not my grandfather. Me.

And I'm angry.  

At everything.

And everyone.

I really need to punch something. And then punch it again. And again. And again. 

I want to forget.

About everything.

And everyone.

Move on from all of this and never look back.

Forget about this world. And all those people. Leave them all behind the way they left me. 

I want to finally do something for me.

Not for my mom.

Or my dad.

Or the rest of my family.

I want to do something I need to do.

Not my "friends".

Not my schoolmates.

Not my teachers.

Me.

For me. 

I want to start living for me and nobody else.

I want to move on.

Never look back.

Just go forward.

And forget. 

Forget the pain.

And the tears.

And the disappointments. 

Mostly the disappointments. They turned me into this pathetic thing I'm right now. 

And I have to let go. 

Just let go.

But first... just breath.

See my dreams all die...

Last couple of days have been rough.
For some reason I feel like crap most of the time. I guess the nerves are really getting to me lately. I have so much to do and I feel like I don't have time for anything. And the power to do whatever.
Most of the time I desperately need to sleep and sleep and sleep. My mind is so exhausted I can't get it work properly. Sometimes I think I have to really find someone to talk to or I'll explode. Unfortunately that can't be anyone I know. People I know are not the people who will really hear what I have to say. I don't like being sad and depressed and I hate making others listen to my wining. Even I hate my wining.
Maybe the problem is in my head. Everyone seems so calm about my college applications and my grades at school and my life in general. I'm the only one who is actually stressing about all of this. But I can't get it out of my head. The thought I don't have time to finish my portfolio and send it on time is driving me crazy. I go to sleep and wake up with this thought. I try to convince myself there is time. I really do try. But there's not time. I have to be ready in one week. Even less than one week. And I am nowhere. I have to compose it, I have to make a few other things, take pictures and add them. And it's a lot of work. I don't see how I'm going to do it. Not to mention my grades prediction which will be ready on 5th of February. I need a few days for English translation and I'd already had to sent it. No one is going to wait for me forever. It freaks me out. It freaks me out that I won't be accepted anywhere. And I'll feel bad about myself again. I just got rid of this feeling and I don't want it back. Ever. And I know I'll feel exactly like this if every college I applied to rejects me. And that's not even the worst. I can't get rid of the thought I made a mistake by choosing Architecture. I chose reasonable choice and I left my heart behind. And I think that was the worst I could have done. I promised myself I will always follow my heart and in the same time I blew the first opportunity I had. Kind of ridiculous, huh? But there's no going back. I signed for another three (or five) years of the same I want to get away from. Aren't I stupid?
Which reminds me of my wonderful school and how much work I have to do. I have to make my plans and projects, I have to at least start making calculations and tables... and, of course I have zero desire to do it. Typical.
Not to mention that London journey I have to make on 18th February. I'm attending an interview at University of Westminster. At first I was really happy about it. I felt like finally someone saw something in me. But this trip in turning into something very very stressful. Not only because of the interview. But because we don't have the money to afford someone to come with me. So in the last couple of days my mom and aunt came up with at least a hundred different solutions. And I think that if I hear another one I'm gonna be sick. I don't want someone to come with me just to day he/she came. At first I was scared to go by myself. Now I'm not so sure. Actually I think I will feel good by my own. Two days alone in London may be exactly what I need. You know. Take walks with my earplugs on and actually see places I've never seen before, go to Stamford Bridge, hang around London and Westminster campus etc. I think I'll feel better if I have this time alone in a new city. Not to mention I'll be a lot more confident if I do it on my own. I will know I can do it on my own.
Unfortunately my mom won't let me go alone. For some reason she is convinced I can't take care of myself. Or maybe she is not ready to let me go yet. I don't know.
Basically my mood and emotional condition are not in their best shape. Even my visit to Sapareva Banya couldn't cheer me up. I feel so alone. Actually I don't think I ever felt so lonely. Which is starting to scare me. I have to figure out a way to make myself feel better. I already gave up on depending on other people. But I have to take things in my own hands pretty soon. Before I explode.
Yeah.
I leave you with a couple of tears because tears are sometimes needed. And hope. Hope that tomorrow will actually be a better day. A day for better emotions. And a day to believe I can do everything. On time.
And hope that I (and all of you) won't have to see my dreams die.

Smoking my last cigarette...

Bad.
I don't have any cigarettes left. And I have a strong feeling I'm going to need them tonight.
First of all - Happy New Year! I hope this one will be a hundred times better.
And with that said I have to point out I'm in a panic attack since last night. Seriously it's not a great place to be.
I had to say goodbye to one of my closest friends last night. He is going to live in London from now on. And I'm happy he is moving on... but I just can't stop missing him. I spent my whole life around him. I've been seeing him at least once a week for years and years and years. We have so many great moments together. And now I miss everything about this friendship. I will miss drinking coffee or beer together, going to football games together every week, talking about stuff... everything. I don't know how to express it. I've been feeling like crap all day. And I know I shouldn't be crying. I'm not a baby anymore, you know. But I honestly can't help myself. And him leaving made me realize how much I want to leave too. I want to go to a university in the UK so bad I can't even describe it. And that scares me because there is no guarantee I will be accepted. Normally when I want something so much it doesn't happen. I don't want to challenge the fate but it's true. Everything I do now is hope. And, of course, work hard on my portfolio and school grades. I've never been more determined to accomplish everything I can. I can't imagine I won't get in. It's just unbearable to think about.
And I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm pounding and wining and you guys have to listen (read) to my complains like you always do. I know I seem like a depressed eighteen year old. I'm really not. I'm just too emotional. And maybe a little hysterical sometimes.
I just need to put out my feelings somewhere and here seems the perfect place.
I guess I will be like this for a while. Well, at least until I receive the universities' answers. I've never hated waiting as much as I hate it now. Of course, I have to submit my portfolio first. But it's still waiting.
I wish I could make time go faster and wake up when answers are here. Unfortunately that can't happen. It's going to drive me crazy. I try to keep myself busy but it's not working so far. My nerves are getting to me. And when I think about how much I have to do the panic attacks arrives. With no warning and no chance if escaping. I really have to work on being stronger.
Maybe after get in somewhere. Anywhere.
I think that's all for now. I'm not sure if I feel any better but I definitely feel relieved. Writing down what I feel is better that just thinking about it.
It has to be. After all that's what writers do.
And to make up for this drama fest tonight I promise my next post will be a lot more positive and optimistic.
After all it is a new year. And a new luck.