I don't have any cigarettes left. And I have a strong feeling I'm going to need them tonight.
First of all - Happy New Year! I hope this one will be a hundred times better.
And with that said I have to point out I'm in a panic attack since last night. Seriously it's not a great place to be.
I had to say goodbye to one of my closest friends last night. He is going to live in London from now on. And I'm happy he is moving on... but I just can't stop missing him. I spent my whole life around him. I've been seeing him at least once a week for years and years and years. We have so many great moments together. And now I miss everything about this friendship. I will miss drinking coffee or beer together, going to football games together every week, talking about stuff... everything. I don't know how to express it. I've been feeling like crap all day. And I know I shouldn't be crying. I'm not a baby anymore, you know. But I honestly can't help myself. And him leaving made me realize how much I want to leave too. I want to go to a university in the UK so bad I can't even describe it. And that scares me because there is no guarantee I will be accepted. Normally when I want something so much it doesn't happen. I don't want to challenge the fate but it's true. Everything I do now is hope. And, of course, work hard on my portfolio and school grades. I've never been more determined to accomplish everything I can. I can't imagine I won't get in. It's just unbearable to think about.
And I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm pounding and wining and you guys have to listen (read) to my complains like you always do. I know I seem like a depressed eighteen year old. I'm really not. I'm just too emotional. And maybe a little hysterical sometimes.
I just need to put out my feelings somewhere and here seems the perfect place.
I guess I will be like this for a while. Well, at least until I receive the universities' answers. I've never hated waiting as much as I hate it now. Of course, I have to submit my portfolio first. But it's still waiting.
I wish I could make time go faster and wake up when answers are here. Unfortunately that can't happen. It's going to drive me crazy. I try to keep myself busy but it's not working so far. My nerves are getting to me. And when I think about how much I have to do the panic attacks arrives. With no warning and no chance if escaping. I really have to work on being stronger.
Maybe after get in somewhere. Anywhere.
I think that's all for now. I'm not sure if I feel any better but I definitely feel relieved. Writing down what I feel is better that just thinking about it.
It has to be. After all that's what writers do.
And to make up for this drama fest tonight I promise my next post will be a lot more positive and optimistic.
After all it is a new year. And a new luck.
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