Okay... So long time no see. Or, I guess, long time no need... to express anything at all. We all know that's the reason I keep this thing still on. Because of moments like this one right now when I just want to write and say what I feel. It's like talking to a stranger who can't judge you or give you an advice and act like he totally understands... well, everything. Actually maybe I just want to write and actually finish what I'm writing. I don't know. To be honest I don't care either.
I'm in Sapareva Banya for the weekend. You know how much I love being here. It always makes me feel better. And it is again. I'm having a blast pretty much. But... every time I'm left alone just for a minute or two I automatically get scared again. Terrified. Of what is about to come. Future. How am I going to make it until graduation. Who is going to be still by my side. These days it seems like people in my life are leaving it one by one. Just like that. No hard feelings, nothing personal. I'm just... not a priority. And I don't feel... depressed, I don't blame anyone (including myself)... I just feel nostalgic. I want to go back five years and start eight grade all over again. Which is a huge surprise considering how I can't stand my school. But I would start it again just to have everything I had back then. To change... a lot of things. And not because I have regrets but just... because. Nostalgia is a really scary thing to be honest. It can drive you crazy just like that. It can make you feel this crossover between happiness and sadness and in just one moment you have no idea which one is stronger. I hate feeling that. I feel helpless missing anything or anyone. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to look back and see how many things I actually miss.
I miss 32nd. I miss spending my days there with my closest people (at least at the time). I miss our "adventures" and the pure happiness we all felt back then.
I miss Gery and Ellie. I've been denying it for two years now but I really miss them. And the mess is even bigger because as much as I miss them I know I haven't done anything wrong. And as much as I want to be the bigger person I just can't. I'm too proud to call first. Now you can call me stupid.
I miss Reckoning. Actually I don't miss the people. Maybe just one or two. I miss the Reckoning period. I miss the Apartment and all the time we spent there. I miss the concerts where I met so many people.
I miss Iva and Maddie now. I guess I've managed to lose them too. I have no idea how that happened or why. I just know it happened... I miss hanging out with them all day everyday and feel 100% myself.
I miss the Eurofootball. I realised I still miss it two years later. I miss everything about it. It just was... the place where everything's better and everything's safe.
I miss Fifi. I read old chats and messages a few days ago and I remembered... how amazing our relationship used to be. Like brother and sister. I was able to tell him anything, I knew I can count on him, I knew he was there for me. Now I still talk to him everyday but it's different. I haven't seen him in ages, I can't make him have one beer with me anymore. I know he has a lot of things to think about and it's not his fault. But it still hurts. And... I just miss him being my big brother.
And I miss not being scared... I was really getting used to it.
For a girl who hates missing things I give those things a lot of my time. I know. That's just another crazy part of who I am. And I really didn't have the intention for this post to be so dramatic and depressing. Just the opposite I was hoping for an optimistic happy post. Mostly because I was feeling optimistic and happy when I started writing it.
And again one of my totally random ideas - I really want to live near a railway. Like in that book... "The Railway Kids". Just by the railway. I will look at the trains and the people who change every single time. I will feel sad when some are going away and I won't see them ever again. And then I will feel happy when the new ones come. And just for a few seconds I will look at them and imagine what are their stories. There's something really special in railways. At least for me. Yeah, I know. Totally random. And maybe even a little bit weird. Well I'm a weird girl after all. That's my charm. I hope.
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