Where did all the people go

<3

To be honest I feel kind of weird lately. Like... I'm lonely, really really lonely. But... somehow I feel strangely calm. In general I even feel good. Of course this could mean both good and bad. The good, obviously, is that... well I feel good. I'm not sad, I don't cry anymore... it's like everything is okay. On the other hand - is it possible I really stopped caring? I wanted so bad to be able to live my life alone. But now when it seems I finally can I start to be a little scared.I wanted to be able to but I never thought I have to actually start living like that. Don't get me wrong - I still have friends and, of course, my family. But I suddenly started feeling so distant. Like I don't need any of this. Which is rediculous.

Right now I really want to get out of Bulgaria. Not because I don't love in here. I do. I love everything about Sofia, Sapareva Banya and Bulgaria in general. But I just have to get out of here. I want a fresh start. And I can't have it here. I just can't. I need to go away at least for a while. I need to study something I want, I need to meet new people, and I just need... to change the picture in front of me. You know. So I guess I have to win the lottery or something like that to finally feel free. Isn't that funny? A lot of people can't afford college but they all want to go to college mostly to study. Not that I won't do that. But my main reason is the need to feel free and finally find who the hell I am. And I think it's now or never. If I stay one more year here I'm stuck forever. In someone else's dreams, with the same people, the same picture and the same loneliness. Maybe I'm not the best person in the world but somehow I believe everyone deserves some happiness and... I don't know, at least to try and accomplish his own dreams. But maybe I just read way too many books.

You can see how it is these days. Somehow I still feel calm. And maybe I have even more motivation. You know, the good thing about being a believer is you never lose hope and you always believe everything will be okay. Even when it obviously isn't, even when you know it won't... you still believe. That's one thing I learned in the last few months. I HOPE it's enough for now. To keep everything together no matter how awful it is in the reality. Believe.