Let it burn

Red, Red, Red <3 I can't believe I haven't heard of them since a few weeks ago.

So how have you been? I hope good.
I have I been? I have no idea.
Crazy as always I guess.
I realized I have one last month of high school. Forever.
It's kind of a weird feeling. It's weird to think about.
Of course I have a lot of work to do. I have to finish my projects. All of them. I have to defend them. And there are the exams, of course. But it's still the end. Maybe it's proper to call it the beginning of the end. And I'll be out. For good.
I was freaking out all weak. About how much work I have to do, how I can't do it. And then Friday came. I didn't go to school. I had to present a project I didn't have the chance to finish so I just didn't go. Instead I spent the morning taking a walk. I went to the bookstore and I realized I have enough money to buy a book. Finally. I spent one hour and left with three new books. Yeah, I got carried away. But hey, what the hell. It's books after all. And I earned them. I felt amazing. I felt almost reborn. And then I just walked. With earplugs in my years, listening to my new discovery Red. I felt more alive than I felt for months. I bought a big plastic cup of fresh orange juice and just walked under the sun. It may sound melodramatic and too sensitive but the whole morning I felt purely happy. And I realized I don't have to make excuses for it, I don't have to think about the scary things I have to face all the time. I can actually let go and feel happy. And the world won't end.
It is a good feeling.
And, can you believe it, I had another great day today. I read all morning. I actually woke up around 10 a.m. with the unbearable want to read. And I did. I practically read Agatha Christie's Third Girl for a hour and a half or something. And after I finished it I was ready to go to the next one when my best friend called for a "friendship emergency".
It's weird I still call him my best friend. We are not the typical best friends. We can spend a month or even two without hearing from each other. And then we do and we see each other and it's like we spoke yesterday. There was a time we were together everyday. But today was the exact time when I saw how close we really are. We don't need to see each other everyday to trust and count on one another. And it's a pretty good feeling. To know there is someone in the world to who I can always count. No matter what.
And today when I got home I was able to stay in the middle of my room and say out loud "screw everyone who left me behind or didn't want me at the first place". Because I have people who do. And I will even find more.
Did I get too emotional? I guess I did. It's a good thing you are all used to it already.
So what about tomorrow?
Tomorrow I have to go to work. And as weird as it sounds I can wait to go. And have some fun. Again.
Who knew the sun outside is the key for the sun in my soul?
Unfortunately I have to leave you now. I've been waiting for a really long time to read some John Green. And I have The Fault in Our Stars already in my hands.
And there are stars tonight too <3

I'll be Right Beside You

To be honest I don't know why I am writing tonight.
Maybe just because I felt a little guilty for abandoning the blog for too long. Especially keeping in mind it was the only thing which listened to my feelings without saying anything.
Sometimes I wonder what is it like to be always calm and happy. I sit on my desk looking through the window and thinking is it even possible. And every time I reach the same conclusion - it is not. But even if it is I don't want it.
On the last couple of weeks I realized how amazing are the moments of happiness when life is full of disappointments and fears. I am not sure I am going to appreciate happiness if I had it all the time.
And now?
Now I can say I am just okay.
And I am looking forward. For the first time in a long time I am really looking forward with excitement.
I went to London, you know. And I loved London. And in the end I got accepted at Westminster. And... I am going to London. I am going to England. To live there. To start over. To be me.
I have two months left in school. Two months. And then it is over. I'll be able to leave it behind. To forget about those five years. To stop thinking if it was my fault. My fault that I didn't get to know the people. That I didn't try enough to fit in. That I wasn't me at 100%. It probably was. And when I went to a football game last week with some of my schoolmates I realized how wrong I was. Don't get me wrong - I still think most of the people in this school are hard to even stand. But... I guess there are some of them who deserved better. And most of it - I deserved to get to know them. So I am not going to lie - I have some regrets. That's why I want to go to England so bad. To try and fix myself. To try and not do the same mistakes again. And to be me. No holding back.
And I am just looking forward. To the smallest things.
Like the big football derby on Saturday.
Like my first day at the new season of Dancing Stars.
Like buying a new laptop.
To going to Lorka after the game on Saturday.
The smallest things. The smallest things are making the difference right now. And I couldn't be more proud.
I've been realizing how big part of my life is sport. Huge. I honestly live through sport. A good game of one of my favorite teams can make my whole week good. A tournament win of my favorite tennis player means I'll be in good mood for the next couple of days. Not to mention the whole experience I had during Olympics. I was ready to cry when I realized it was over. I still miss the Olympics. Honestly.
And now I'm just waiting for the derby. Levski is playing awful lately. But I am still waiting and hoping. And supporting. I can't stop. I just can't.
Am I already starting to sound like a crazy person?
Oh well... who cares, I am a little crazy anyway.
And... the new Dancing Stars is here. You guys know how much I enjoyed working there. And how much I missed it when it was over. I can't believe it is going to be in my life again. And make me wait for every Sunday. And enjoy every single moment. I can't even explain why I feel that way. Maybe because when I work there I feel like I am a part of something. Of a team. And it's a awesome feeling.
But what is the most important thing I realized? I realized I will always have a home. And the people in there are always going to be beside me. No matter what.
There's no better feeling.
Feeling loved and protected.
So today I am hoping. And looking forward.
Not to England. Not to the end of the school year.
Just to one hell of a weekend.
Fingers crossed.