I'll be Right Beside You

To be honest I don't know why I am writing tonight.
Maybe just because I felt a little guilty for abandoning the blog for too long. Especially keeping in mind it was the only thing which listened to my feelings without saying anything.
Sometimes I wonder what is it like to be always calm and happy. I sit on my desk looking through the window and thinking is it even possible. And every time I reach the same conclusion - it is not. But even if it is I don't want it.
On the last couple of weeks I realized how amazing are the moments of happiness when life is full of disappointments and fears. I am not sure I am going to appreciate happiness if I had it all the time.
And now?
Now I can say I am just okay.
And I am looking forward. For the first time in a long time I am really looking forward with excitement.
I went to London, you know. And I loved London. And in the end I got accepted at Westminster. And... I am going to London. I am going to England. To live there. To start over. To be me.
I have two months left in school. Two months. And then it is over. I'll be able to leave it behind. To forget about those five years. To stop thinking if it was my fault. My fault that I didn't get to know the people. That I didn't try enough to fit in. That I wasn't me at 100%. It probably was. And when I went to a football game last week with some of my schoolmates I realized how wrong I was. Don't get me wrong - I still think most of the people in this school are hard to even stand. But... I guess there are some of them who deserved better. And most of it - I deserved to get to know them. So I am not going to lie - I have some regrets. That's why I want to go to England so bad. To try and fix myself. To try and not do the same mistakes again. And to be me. No holding back.
And I am just looking forward. To the smallest things.
Like the big football derby on Saturday.
Like my first day at the new season of Dancing Stars.
Like buying a new laptop.
To going to Lorka after the game on Saturday.
The smallest things. The smallest things are making the difference right now. And I couldn't be more proud.
I've been realizing how big part of my life is sport. Huge. I honestly live through sport. A good game of one of my favorite teams can make my whole week good. A tournament win of my favorite tennis player means I'll be in good mood for the next couple of days. Not to mention the whole experience I had during Olympics. I was ready to cry when I realized it was over. I still miss the Olympics. Honestly.
And now I'm just waiting for the derby. Levski is playing awful lately. But I am still waiting and hoping. And supporting. I can't stop. I just can't.
Am I already starting to sound like a crazy person?
Oh well... who cares, I am a little crazy anyway.
And... the new Dancing Stars is here. You guys know how much I enjoyed working there. And how much I missed it when it was over. I can't believe it is going to be in my life again. And make me wait for every Sunday. And enjoy every single moment. I can't even explain why I feel that way. Maybe because when I work there I feel like I am a part of something. Of a team. And it's a awesome feeling.
But what is the most important thing I realized? I realized I will always have a home. And the people in there are always going to be beside me. No matter what.
There's no better feeling.
Feeling loved and protected.
So today I am hoping. And looking forward.
Not to England. Not to the end of the school year.
Just to one hell of a weekend.
Fingers crossed.