The world is football for the next month. So is my world.
To be honest I am so happy I can't stand it.
School is finally over. Forever. I passed my exams with really good grades, my prom was a great joyful experience, I am accepted in University of Westminster.... and the only thing I have to worry about is if I will get the money I need to go to London. And that's not the same as being worried about something that actually depends on me.
So............
IT'S TIME FOR A BREAK AND HAVING FUN <3
Yay for summer 2014!
And... hey, the world is FOOTBALL!
I am waiting for the World Championship for so long I still can't believe it's happening.
I can't say it's going the way I want but there is still time for big changes.
So if you at least like me you can cross fingers for Englang, Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay and Spain. Mostly England but I will be happy if either of these teams happens to be the new world champion.
Actually... England vs. Italy starts in a couple of minutes so I am heading right to the TV. My nerves are... well, really high.
It's time for some summer football emotions.
And I know this post doesn't make much sense, I know I have sooooooo much to tell you about... the exams, the pressure, the happiness and mostly LEVSKI'S ONE HUNDRED ANNIVERSARY which was THE MOST AMAZING NIGHT IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah... I won't say that much. Just because I can't explain it. I can't express it with words. Oh yeah... I have blue hair lol :)
So the game is about to start so I am leaving.
Happiness is everywhere.
And COME ON ENGLAND! <3 :)
And for some reason the option for Youtube videos doesn't want to work. So no video today. Just for information - the song was going to be Break me Down by Red. I'm so loving Red these days. I think the only thing that can take me away from them is Snow Patrol.
So... three more weeks to go.
I'll be out of school. I can't wait for it to be over.
I just have to concentrate for my final projects and exams. And then... Summer of 2014 here I come.
Of course my head is all over the place. My emotions too. They just can't seem to find enough strenght to be left behind.
It's actually a little bit weird because I don't actually feel... anything. There are some things like a little bit fear, sadness and happiness... But just from time to time. And this itself is really scary.
I've never felt so numb.
I have no idea how I feel. Honestly.
It's like... “I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”
Yeah.
Emotional times again. I can honestly say I didn't miss them. But...nah, whatever.
It's a good thing I'm awfuly busy lately. Both working and graduating from high school has it's benefits. I don't have enough time to overthink anything at all. Not that I'm not thinking about all kind of things. But it's better to think for a few hours than whole day long. Right?
Today I wish for a magic clock. A clock I can use to fasten time and wake up on 5th of June. My nerves has their limits and I believe I've reached those limits. I'm strongly sensing this weird feeling I have just before a storm. I can see how mean I am and how my moods are changing every ten seconds. I can see how annoying it is for everybody else. And I still can't stop being like this. Not until everything is over.
Trust me I know how melodramatic this sounds. It's like... just high school. And still SGSAG is not just high school. Ít's hell. No one outside of it can't understand it. I've heard a million times I'm overeacting and it's not that bad. Trust me, it is. It's a place where a person like me can't survive. Maybe a lot of people will like it. People who are into two-faced people with a very strange and comitted love for rules. And giving up their lives just to be perfect. I don't mind people like that. They have the right to live like they want to. It's just not me. And I won't make it me. Ever.
I was at the semi-final of I Can Build today. Out team placed first. You'll say congratulations. Please don't. Spending six hours with even more rule lovers made me wanna scream for a little bit. Am I heading to another thing like this in London? Because if that's the Architecture profession reality I want out. Now!
I'm so grateful there were some cool people to keep me company and get why my mood is super ironic the whole time. Like... Come on! It's a high school competion not the end of the world. Of course we all put a lot of hard work to come up with the idea and the realization but still... it's just a high school competion. Why all that... I don't know how to call it.
So yeah.
Next week I'm going to Plovdiv to the final. I'm praying that there will be some cool people as well.
Please let there be....
At least I have Dancing Stars. Working is really making me feel good. As you can imagine there are a lot of things there that bother me. I mean... it's pretty much like I am bothering myself. But I think it's too long and too dramatic to write for all of this inside drama of mine. You guys already know how many issues I have.
So... is that it?
I have no idea. I just felt like writing before I explode.
Do I feel better?
No clue. But I feel something.
Is it enough?
Probably not. But it's a start.
Red, Red, Red <3 I can't believe I haven't heard of them since a few weeks ago.
So how have you been? I hope good.
I have I been? I have no idea.
Crazy as always I guess.
I realized I have one last month of high school. Forever.
It's kind of a weird feeling. It's weird to think about.
Of course I have a lot of work to do. I have to finish my projects. All of them. I have to defend them. And there are the exams, of course. But it's still the end. Maybe it's proper to call it the beginning of the end. And I'll be out. For good.
I was freaking out all weak. About how much work I have to do, how I can't do it. And then Friday came. I didn't go to school. I had to present a project I didn't have the chance to finish so I just didn't go. Instead I spent the morning taking a walk. I went to the bookstore and I realized I have enough money to buy a book. Finally. I spent one hour and left with three new books. Yeah, I got carried away. But hey, what the hell. It's books after all. And I earned them. I felt amazing. I felt almost reborn. And then I just walked. With earplugs in my years, listening to my new discovery Red. I felt more alive than I felt for months. I bought a big plastic cup of fresh orange juice and just walked under the sun. It may sound melodramatic and too sensitive but the whole morning I felt purely happy. And I realized I don't have to make excuses for it, I don't have to think about the scary things I have to face all the time. I can actually let go and feel happy. And the world won't end.
It is a good feeling.
And, can you believe it, I had another great day today. I read all morning. I actually woke up around 10 a.m. with the unbearable want to read. And I did. I practically read Agatha Christie's Third Girl for a hour and a half or something. And after I finished it I was ready to go to the next one when my best friend called for a "friendship emergency".
It's weird I still call him my best friend. We are not the typical best friends. We can spend a month or even two without hearing from each other. And then we do and we see each other and it's like we spoke yesterday. There was a time we were together everyday. But today was the exact time when I saw how close we really are. We don't need to see each other everyday to trust and count on one another. And it's a pretty good feeling. To know there is someone in the world to who I can always count. No matter what.
And today when I got home I was able to stay in the middle of my room and say out loud "screw everyone who left me behind or didn't want me at the first place". Because I have people who do. And I will even find more.
Did I get too emotional? I guess I did. It's a good thing you are all used to it already.
So what about tomorrow?
Tomorrow I have to go to work. And as weird as it sounds I can wait to go. And have some fun. Again.
Who knew the sun outside is the key for the sun in my soul?
Unfortunately I have to leave you now. I've been waiting for a really long time to read some John Green. And I have The Fault in Our Stars already in my hands.
And there are stars tonight too <3
To be honest I don't know why I am writing tonight.
Maybe just because I felt a little guilty for abandoning the blog for too long. Especially keeping in mind it was the only thing which listened to my feelings without saying anything.
Sometimes I wonder what is it like to be always calm and happy. I sit on my desk looking through the window and thinking is it even possible. And every time I reach the same conclusion - it is not. But even if it is I don't want it.
On the last couple of weeks I realized how amazing are the moments of happiness when life is full of disappointments and fears. I am not sure I am going to appreciate happiness if I had it all the time.
And now?
Now I can say I am just okay.
And I am looking forward. For the first time in a long time I am really looking forward with excitement.
I went to London, you know. And I loved London. And in the end I got accepted at Westminster. And... I am going to London. I am going to England. To live there. To start over. To be me.
I have two months left in school. Two months. And then it is over. I'll be able to leave it behind. To forget about those five years. To stop thinking if it was my fault. My fault that I didn't get to know the people. That I didn't try enough to fit in. That I wasn't me at 100%. It probably was. And when I went to a football game last week with some of my schoolmates I realized how wrong I was. Don't get me wrong - I still think most of the people in this school are hard to even stand. But... I guess there are some of them who deserved better. And most of it - I deserved to get to know them. So I am not going to lie - I have some regrets. That's why I want to go to England so bad. To try and fix myself. To try and not do the same mistakes again. And to be me. No holding back.
And I am just looking forward. To the smallest things.
Like the big football derby on Saturday.
Like my first day at the new season of Dancing Stars.
Like buying a new laptop.
To going to Lorka after the game on Saturday.
The smallest things. The smallest things are making the difference right now. And I couldn't be more proud.
I've been realizing how big part of my life is sport. Huge. I honestly live through sport. A good game of one of my favorite teams can make my whole week good. A tournament win of my favorite tennis player means I'll be in good mood for the next couple of days. Not to mention the whole experience I had during Olympics. I was ready to cry when I realized it was over. I still miss the Olympics. Honestly.
And now I'm just waiting for the derby. Levski is playing awful lately. But I am still waiting and hoping. And supporting. I can't stop. I just can't.
Am I already starting to sound like a crazy person?
Oh well... who cares, I am a little crazy anyway.
And... the new Dancing Stars is here. You guys know how much I enjoyed working there. And how much I missed it when it was over. I can't believe it is going to be in my life again. And make me wait for every Sunday. And enjoy every single moment. I can't even explain why I feel that way. Maybe because when I work there I feel like I am a part of something. Of a team. And it's a awesome feeling.
But what is the most important thing I realized? I realized I will always have a home. And the people in there are always going to be beside me. No matter what.
There's no better feeling.
Feeling loved and protected.
So today I am hoping. And looking forward.
Not to England. Not to the end of the school year.
Just to one hell of a weekend.
Fingers crossed.
I though everything will go back to normal once I calm down and start thinking clear again.
Unfortunately that's not the case.
I still feel angry. At everything.
I have no idea what's wrong with me, I've never felt like this before. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed... I'm just angry. Anything can piss me off. Anything at all.
I can't figure it out. I hoped this mini 4 day vacation will help me clear my mind but it didn't. Just the opposite actually. It made me doubt everything even more.
I want to cry. For the first time in my life I really want to cry and take it all out. But of course I can't. I can't make one tear come down. I don't feel like crying and wining. I feel like screaming. All the time I feel the need to scream as loud as I can. Of course that can't happen. Which, surprise surprise, pisses me off.
In the few moments I actually thought clear of the whole situation I realized I need action. And what I mean is I just want something to happen. Anything. It just has to be different.
Like...
Like go out with an old friend I haven't seen for a while.
Like go out and just party. Without thinking and dreaming and thinking again.
Like go to a different place. Place I've never been to. Or at least not for a while.
Like letting go.
Not that I expect to get what I need. Normally what I need always comes a little late.
But for the first time I'm not waiting for it.
Now while writing I'm really starting to think to go back to boxing. Not that I train or anything. I have a pair of old boxing stuff in my apartment. And would be the perfect time to use them again. Just get my energy out somewhere.
I can't even read. Normally reading calms me down. Always. Now I can't sit and read. I don't understand the lines I'm reading, I can't stay still at one place for more than a few moments.
And completely out of the context but I REALLY miss going to football games. Going to the stadium makes me feel most alive. But it's a mid season. For another 20 days at least. And that is really really really pissing me off. I need to go to the stadium. I know that will help a lot. With everything. I'm sure it will.
Yeah.
So that's how it's being in the last coupe of days.
Not good.
Not good at all.
And at the end of the day I wonder why I can't think of a person who can help me. A person I can talk to. Like I said in my last (or next to last?) post - I have friends, I have family... but I don't have that person I can sit with and say everything in my mind. A person who will try to help me without judging and screaming. And will do it for me. Not because he needs me to do something for him, not because that will help him convince me to do what he needs me to do... Just for me. And that's why I'm stuck on this Three Days Grace song. It's a lot of what I'm feeling right now. Not mention it has a good kind of angry energy. Which is perfect for right now.
At the end of the day I just don't see who will help me find the right way up.
Which means that I will have to help myself. Like I always do.
It's like my whole body wants to explode from all that anger I have in it.
I can't even stay at the same place for more than a few seconds.
Normally when I feel that way I end up drinking smoking and writing. So here I am. I guess traditions are to be kept. And the worst thing is I don't know who I am angry at more. My mother for being so pushy to make her dreams come true using me for it, or myself for falling for sweet words and promises.
Maybe I win the competition after all.
I let myself down like I've never had before. Ever.
I'm kind of tired to keep my feelings all for myself. It's got to just come out. All of this crap inside my head just has to go out. Before I destroy myself.
I know I made a mistake. But it's not only that. My life is a mess already. And the scariest thing is that I'm only 18 years old.
Maybe I'm going crazy. I'm not sure.
Having a messy life at 18 is not what I hoped for.
It's even more frustrating how not caring is everybody around me. My family cares about their dreams and wishes. They didn't even bother to think for just a second how I feel and want I want and need. It takes just a few moments. And they couldn't. My friends left just like that. One by one they chose to follow their own road without looking back. Not that I don't understand. But maybe I don't. I still don't want to believe I don't deserve a little appreciation after everything that I've done for all of those people. After I gave them my heart.
With my stubbornness I want to prove I can succeed in what I got myself into. I want them to know I can do it without them. I want to prove to myself I can do it. On my own.
At the same time I want to follow my dreams. I want to study what I want. I want to work what I want. What I am good at. Not my mom, not my grandfather. Me.
And I'm angry.
At everything.
And everyone.
I really need to punch something. And then punch it again. And again. And again.
I want to forget.
About everything.
And everyone.
Move on from all of this and never look back.
Forget about this world. And all those people. Leave them all behind the way they left me.
I want to finally do something for me.
Not for my mom.
Or my dad.
Or the rest of my family.
I want to do something I need to do.
Not my "friends".
Not my schoolmates.
Not my teachers.
Me.
For me.
I want to start living for me and nobody else.
I want to move on.
Never look back.
Just go forward.
And forget.
Forget the pain.
And the tears.
And the disappointments.
Mostly the disappointments. They turned me into this pathetic thing I'm right now.
Last couple of days have been rough.
For some reason I feel like crap most of the time. I guess the nerves are really getting to me lately. I have so much to do and I feel like I don't have time for anything. And the power to do whatever.
Most of the time I desperately need to sleep and sleep and sleep. My mind is so exhausted I can't get it work properly. Sometimes I think I have to really find someone to talk to or I'll explode. Unfortunately that can't be anyone I know. People I know are not the people who will really hear what I have to say. I don't like being sad and depressed and I hate making others listen to my wining. Even I hate my wining.
Maybe the problem is in my head. Everyone seems so calm about my college applications and my grades at school and my life in general. I'm the only one who is actually stressing about all of this. But I can't get it out of my head. The thought I don't have time to finish my portfolio and send it on time is driving me crazy. I go to sleep and wake up with this thought. I try to convince myself there is time. I really do try. But there's not time. I have to be ready in one week. Even less than one week. And I am nowhere. I have to compose it, I have to make a few other things, take pictures and add them. And it's a lot of work. I don't see how I'm going to do it. Not to mention my grades prediction which will be ready on 5th of February. I need a few days for English translation and I'd already had to sent it. No one is going to wait for me forever. It freaks me out. It freaks me out that I won't be accepted anywhere. And I'll feel bad about myself again. I just got rid of this feeling and I don't want it back. Ever. And I know I'll feel exactly like this if every college I applied to rejects me. And that's not even the worst. I can't get rid of the thought I made a mistake by choosing Architecture. I chose reasonable choice and I left my heart behind. And I think that was the worst I could have done. I promised myself I will always follow my heart and in the same time I blew the first opportunity I had. Kind of ridiculous, huh? But there's no going back. I signed for another three (or five) years of the same I want to get away from. Aren't I stupid?
Which reminds me of my wonderful school and how much work I have to do. I have to make my plans and projects, I have to at least start making calculations and tables... and, of course I have zero desire to do it. Typical.
Not to mention that London journey I have to make on 18th February. I'm attending an interview at University of Westminster. At first I was really happy about it. I felt like finally someone saw something in me. But this trip in turning into something very very stressful. Not only because of the interview. But because we don't have the money to afford someone to come with me. So in the last couple of days my mom and aunt came up with at least a hundred different solutions. And I think that if I hear another one I'm gonna be sick. I don't want someone to come with me just to day he/she came. At first I was scared to go by myself. Now I'm not so sure. Actually I think I will feel good by my own. Two days alone in London may be exactly what I need. You know. Take walks with my earplugs on and actually see places I've never seen before, go to Stamford Bridge, hang around London and Westminster campus etc. I think I'll feel better if I have this time alone in a new city. Not to mention I'll be a lot more confident if I do it on my own. I will know I can do it on my own.
Unfortunately my mom won't let me go alone. For some reason she is convinced I can't take care of myself. Or maybe she is not ready to let me go yet. I don't know.
Basically my mood and emotional condition are not in their best shape. Even my visit to Sapareva Banya couldn't cheer me up. I feel so alone. Actually I don't think I ever felt so lonely. Which is starting to scare me. I have to figure out a way to make myself feel better. I already gave up on depending on other people. But I have to take things in my own hands pretty soon. Before I explode.
Yeah.
I leave you with a couple of tears because tears are sometimes needed. And hope. Hope that tomorrow will actually be a better day. A day for better emotions. And a day to believe I can do everything. On time.
And hope that I (and all of you) won't have to see my dreams die.
