For some reason I feel like crap most of the time. I guess the nerves are really getting to me lately. I have so much to do and I feel like I don't have time for anything. And the power to do whatever.
Most of the time I desperately need to sleep and sleep and sleep. My mind is so exhausted I can't get it work properly. Sometimes I think I have to really find someone to talk to or I'll explode. Unfortunately that can't be anyone I know. People I know are not the people who will really hear what I have to say. I don't like being sad and depressed and I hate making others listen to my wining. Even I hate my wining.
Maybe the problem is in my head. Everyone seems so calm about my college applications and my grades at school and my life in general. I'm the only one who is actually stressing about all of this. But I can't get it out of my head. The thought I don't have time to finish my portfolio and send it on time is driving me crazy. I go to sleep and wake up with this thought. I try to convince myself there is time. I really do try. But there's not time. I have to be ready in one week. Even less than one week. And I am nowhere. I have to compose it, I have to make a few other things, take pictures and add them. And it's a lot of work. I don't see how I'm going to do it. Not to mention my grades prediction which will be ready on 5th of February. I need a few days for English translation and I'd already had to sent it. No one is going to wait for me forever. It freaks me out. It freaks me out that I won't be accepted anywhere. And I'll feel bad about myself again. I just got rid of this feeling and I don't want it back. Ever. And I know I'll feel exactly like this if every college I applied to rejects me. And that's not even the worst. I can't get rid of the thought I made a mistake by choosing Architecture. I chose reasonable choice and I left my heart behind. And I think that was the worst I could have done. I promised myself I will always follow my heart and in the same time I blew the first opportunity I had. Kind of ridiculous, huh? But there's no going back. I signed for another three (or five) years of the same I want to get away from. Aren't I stupid?
Which reminds me of my wonderful school and how much work I have to do. I have to make my plans and projects, I have to at least start making calculations and tables... and, of course I have zero desire to do it. Typical.
Not to mention that London journey I have to make on 18th February. I'm attending an interview at University of Westminster. At first I was really happy about it. I felt like finally someone saw something in me. But this trip in turning into something very very stressful. Not only because of the interview. But because we don't have the money to afford someone to come with me. So in the last couple of days my mom and aunt came up with at least a hundred different solutions. And I think that if I hear another one I'm gonna be sick. I don't want someone to come with me just to day he/she came. At first I was scared to go by myself. Now I'm not so sure. Actually I think I will feel good by my own. Two days alone in London may be exactly what I need. You know. Take walks with my earplugs on and actually see places I've never seen before, go to Stamford Bridge, hang around London and Westminster campus etc. I think I'll feel better if I have this time alone in a new city. Not to mention I'll be a lot more confident if I do it on my own. I will know I can do it on my own.
Unfortunately my mom won't let me go alone. For some reason she is convinced I can't take care of myself. Or maybe she is not ready to let me go yet. I don't know.
Basically my mood and emotional condition are not in their best shape. Even my visit to Sapareva Banya couldn't cheer me up. I feel so alone. Actually I don't think I ever felt so lonely. Which is starting to scare me. I have to figure out a way to make myself feel better. I already gave up on depending on other people. But I have to take things in my own hands pretty soon. Before I explode.
Yeah.
I leave you with a couple of tears because tears are sometimes needed. And hope. Hope that tomorrow will actually be a better day. A day for better emotions. And a day to believe I can do everything. On time.
And hope that I (and all of you) won't have to see my dreams die.
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