Over and Over

<3 This guys are my new obsession.
The last first day of school. It's kind of weird. It's hard to believe next year I won't be going to school. Maybe I'll be in Italy by now. It's like... good but bad in the same time. I guess I sound a little crazy but I don't know how to feel today. I guess the right word is... a little lonely. Confused. Tired. Maybe tired is the best choice.
Emotions are, like always, too much. Sometimes I hate being so emotional and sensitive. And not showing it sucks even more. Because let's be honest - no one likes too much sensibility. And to be even more honest - even I don't like too much sensibility.
I just need to sleep. I'm always like this when I didn't have enough sleep. Let's be positive - tomorrow will be better than today.
I want my freedom back. Because no matter what happens it's better when you feel free. Free to do what you think is right, what you feel is better for you. Whatever makes you happy. I'm tired of feeling... numb. Blocking feelings is no better then showing them too much. And I do one or the other over and over and over again. Which probably makes me... not very smart.
School hasn't started yet and I already need a break. Actually I need a break from my thoughts. I'm making it harder myself. Again - not very smart.
The positives about today are I'm starting to really want to go to Italy. Just get out of here for a while before I go completely crazy. As much as I am afraid of the new beginnings I'm even more afraid to stay stuck here with the same doubts and fears. Maybe Italy is the place to find people I trust. As hard as I tried to trust people here I can't. Not that is their fault. I don't trust anyone just like that. I can't, it's not me. I always think and think and - surprise, surprise - think again. And at some point I successfully manage to doubt every word I hear. I don't need everyone to tell me how much they love me or to call me everyday. I need to just... feel it. I don't know how to explain it.
And now I sound like a depressed eighteen year old. Which is totally not good. I have to do something that makes me happy. Something I love. But alone. Just to find the moment when I'm alone and I don't feel lonely. Tomorrow. I will draw, or write, or read, or take pictures... Go to the bookstore, or buy new sketch book, or find a beautiful notebook to write ideas in. I can go to the photo. I decided to start printing pictures for... something like a memory book. But since I don't have enough money to print them all at once, I decided to print 20 per month. Let's just hope I'll keep it going.
And now I feel a little bit better. I always do when I write here. I'll start to write more often maybe it will help me be... a normal happy eighteen year old.
Like I said tomorrow will be better. And if it's not... I will We will have to make it better. And by we I mean me and the people I should trust. Because you know me. No matter how I feel I love all of them too much to let go. I won't let them slip away. So the only choice I have is to try not to think too much and just jump forward in trusting them and hoping it will be worth the effort.
Tomorrow will definitely be better.