Smoking my last cigarette...

Bad.
I don't have any cigarettes left. And I have a strong feeling I'm going to need them tonight.
First of all - Happy New Year! I hope this one will be a hundred times better.
And with that said I have to point out I'm in a panic attack since last night. Seriously it's not a great place to be.
I had to say goodbye to one of my closest friends last night. He is going to live in London from now on. And I'm happy he is moving on... but I just can't stop missing him. I spent my whole life around him. I've been seeing him at least once a week for years and years and years. We have so many great moments together. And now I miss everything about this friendship. I will miss drinking coffee or beer together, going to football games together every week, talking about stuff... everything. I don't know how to express it. I've been feeling like crap all day. And I know I shouldn't be crying. I'm not a baby anymore, you know. But I honestly can't help myself. And him leaving made me realize how much I want to leave too. I want to go to a university in the UK so bad I can't even describe it. And that scares me because there is no guarantee I will be accepted. Normally when I want something so much it doesn't happen. I don't want to challenge the fate but it's true. Everything I do now is hope. And, of course, work hard on my portfolio and school grades. I've never been more determined to accomplish everything I can. I can't imagine I won't get in. It's just unbearable to think about.
And I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm pounding and wining and you guys have to listen (read) to my complains like you always do. I know I seem like a depressed eighteen year old. I'm really not. I'm just too emotional. And maybe a little hysterical sometimes.
I just need to put out my feelings somewhere and here seems the perfect place.
I guess I will be like this for a while. Well, at least until I receive the universities' answers. I've never hated waiting as much as I hate it now. Of course, I have to submit my portfolio first. But it's still waiting.
I wish I could make time go faster and wake up when answers are here. Unfortunately that can't happen. It's going to drive me crazy. I try to keep myself busy but it's not working so far. My nerves are getting to me. And when I think about how much I have to do the panic attacks arrives. With no warning and no chance if escaping. I really have to work on being stronger.
Maybe after get in somewhere. Anywhere.
I think that's all for now. I'm not sure if I feel any better but I definitely feel relieved. Writing down what I feel is better that just thinking about it.
It has to be. After all that's what writers do.
And to make up for this drama fest tonight I promise my next post will be a lot more positive and optimistic.
After all it is a new year. And a new luck.

Wake me up when it's all over...

<3
Okay... So long time no see. Or, I guess, long time no need... to express anything at all. We all know that's the reason I keep this thing still on. Because of moments like this one right now when I just want to write and say what I feel. It's like talking to a stranger who can't judge you or give you an advice and act like he totally understands... well, everything. Actually maybe I just want to write and actually finish what I'm writing. I don't know. To be honest I don't care either.
I'm in Sapareva Banya for the weekend. You know how much I love being here. It always makes me feel better. And it is again. I'm having a blast pretty much. But... every time I'm left alone just for a minute or two I automatically get scared again. Terrified. Of what is about to come. Future. How am I going to make it until graduation. Who is going to be still by my side. These days it seems like people in my life are leaving it one by one. Just like that. No hard feelings, nothing personal. I'm just... not a priority. And I don't feel... depressed, I don't blame anyone (including myself)... I just feel nostalgic. I want to go back five years and start eight grade all over again. Which is a huge surprise considering how I can't stand my school. But I would start it again just to have everything I had back then. To change... a lot of things. And not because I have regrets but just... because. Nostalgia is a really scary thing to be honest. It can drive you crazy just like that. It can make you feel this crossover between happiness and sadness and in just one moment you have no idea which one is stronger. I hate feeling that. I feel helpless missing anything or anyone. I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to look back and see how many things I actually miss.
I miss 32nd. I miss spending my days there with my closest people (at least at the time). I miss our "adventures" and the pure happiness we all felt back then.
I miss Gery and Ellie. I've been denying it for two years now but I really miss them. And the mess is even bigger because as much as I miss them I know I haven't done anything wrong. And as much as I want to be the bigger person I just can't. I'm too proud to call first. Now you can call me stupid.
I miss Reckoning. Actually I don't miss the people. Maybe just one or two. I miss the Reckoning period. I miss the Apartment and all the time we spent there. I miss the concerts where I met so many people.
I miss Iva and Maddie now. I guess I've managed to lose them too. I have no idea how that happened or why. I just know it happened... I miss hanging out with them all day everyday and feel 100% myself.
I miss the Eurofootball. I realised I still miss it two years later. I miss everything about it. It just was... the place where everything's better and everything's safe.
I miss Fifi. I read old chats and messages a few days ago and I remembered... how amazing our relationship used to be. Like brother and sister. I was able to tell him anything, I knew I can count on him, I knew he was there for me. Now I still talk to him everyday but it's different. I haven't seen him in ages, I can't make him have one beer with me anymore. I know he has a lot of things to think about and it's not his fault. But it still hurts. And... I just miss him being my big brother.
And I miss not being scared... I was really getting used to it.
For a girl who hates missing things I give those things a lot of my time. I know. That's just another crazy part of who I am. And I really didn't have the intention for this post to be so dramatic and depressing. Just the opposite I was hoping for an optimistic happy post. Mostly because I was feeling optimistic and happy when I started writing it.
And again one of my totally random ideas - I really want to live near a railway. Like in that book... "The Railway Kids". Just by the railway. I will look at the trains and the people who change every single time. I will feel sad when some are going away and I won't see them ever again. And then I will feel happy when the new ones come. And just for a few seconds I will look at them and imagine what are their stories. There's something really special in railways. At least for me. Yeah, I know. Totally random. And maybe even a little bit weird. Well I'm a weird girl after all. That's my charm. I hope.

Where did all the people go

<3

To be honest I feel kind of weird lately. Like... I'm lonely, really really lonely. But... somehow I feel strangely calm. In general I even feel good. Of course this could mean both good and bad. The good, obviously, is that... well I feel good. I'm not sad, I don't cry anymore... it's like everything is okay. On the other hand - is it possible I really stopped caring? I wanted so bad to be able to live my life alone. But now when it seems I finally can I start to be a little scared.I wanted to be able to but I never thought I have to actually start living like that. Don't get me wrong - I still have friends and, of course, my family. But I suddenly started feeling so distant. Like I don't need any of this. Which is rediculous.

Right now I really want to get out of Bulgaria. Not because I don't love in here. I do. I love everything about Sofia, Sapareva Banya and Bulgaria in general. But I just have to get out of here. I want a fresh start. And I can't have it here. I just can't. I need to go away at least for a while. I need to study something I want, I need to meet new people, and I just need... to change the picture in front of me. You know. So I guess I have to win the lottery or something like that to finally feel free. Isn't that funny? A lot of people can't afford college but they all want to go to college mostly to study. Not that I won't do that. But my main reason is the need to feel free and finally find who the hell I am. And I think it's now or never. If I stay one more year here I'm stuck forever. In someone else's dreams, with the same people, the same picture and the same loneliness. Maybe I'm not the best person in the world but somehow I believe everyone deserves some happiness and... I don't know, at least to try and accomplish his own dreams. But maybe I just read way too many books.

You can see how it is these days. Somehow I still feel calm. And maybe I have even more motivation. You know, the good thing about being a believer is you never lose hope and you always believe everything will be okay. Even when it obviously isn't, even when you know it won't... you still believe. That's one thing I learned in the last few months. I HOPE it's enough for now. To keep everything together no matter how awful it is in the reality. Believe.

I know that life won't break me

<3

To be honest with you I'm having a great week so far. And it's great just because it's great. No reasons, no explanation. Just like that. Just because it had to be. Because I needed it to be.
I'm starting to realize positivism really works. Like...  don't know. I didn't exactly believe in all mumble jumble about positive thoughts lead to good karma. I don't know if it's karma or something else but positive thoughts really lead to something good.
Sometimes I wonder if I had spent my time more feeling happy just because it's sunny outside for example... would I be happier by now? I mean not that I'm not now. But there are still things I want to be better. Not to mention I still have my crisis appearing from the thin air. Like Sunday evening. I cried almost all night for no particular reason. Of course I had a lot of things in my mind, I thought about my grandfather, about friends I've lost, about the really nerve wrecking end of the school year. But not one of this things is new or something I haven't thought about before. The result was I went to school with red eyes and one hour of sleep. Which by the way is really not enough.
In the same time I'm happy. I can't say I'm not. I'm finally seeing a light in the tunnel. And it's not the incoming train. Well, I hope so. But I finally feel like there's a exit. The darkness I used to live in the last four years is finally going away. Slowly but it's still moving. I feel like if I want to I can really accomplish the things I want to. Or maybe I'm just growing up and my teen hormones are going away. But whatever it is, I love it.
You know, I think it's time for me to really start writing again. And not just here. I mean like really writing. I have so many ideas in my head and for once I really feel inspired. I almost feel like I need to write. And maybe that's why I'm trying to let it out here when I should definitely let it out at my last project stopped at the beginning of chapter 1 - number 101 in my list.

I guess I should stop for today. Before I get too winy and... well, boring.
But hey... tomorrow is Thursday. And I don't expect a bad thing to happen (because something bad ALWAYS happens on Thursday). But not tomorrow. Tomorrow I will make it better no matter what happens. Because that's how I want to be. Yeah, aren't you proud of me lol lol

With the lights out it's less dangerous

I love love love this one <3



I guess what you all have to know about me is this - I’m not responsible but I’m not irresponsible as well, I’m not confident but I’m not too shy, I can be happy and sad at the same time (and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be) and I don’t need much to feel good. I just need music. Lots and lots of music, for every single mood in the world. And books. Even more books. I need as much books as it’s possible for a single person to read for a lifetime. And I need love. It’s not necessary to come from a person. I need some love even if it comes from me. Maybe I just need TO love.

And today I need to sleep. But I don’t want to. Because today I feel extremely… happy. But not the excited happy, there’s no euphoria, dancing and singing. There’s… silence. And I’m calm. I’m loving the silence. I’m loving the loneliness which isn’t making me feel lonely. If you know what I mean. But you probably don’t.

I wish I had enough power to tell you about my day. I wish I was able to express why this day made me feel like this. Maybe tomorrow I will. Maybe tomorrow I will tell you how much I loved The Perks of Being a Wallflower, how much I love football and how it makes me feel (and how… mixed up are my feelings today), how much I enjoyed finally being in Literature class again and how much it scares me the fact that this is my last year of high school. Maybe tomorrow, maybe never.

Let me tell you something about today… It was weird. Like too weird.

Not that something concrete happened. I just got to see myself form the outline. And for the first time I realised exactly how crazy I am. And it’s a lot more than I thought. Which, of course, it’s normal. At least I guess so.
But hey, tomorrow is Friday. Sometimes I surprise myself with my positivism. I wasn’t that silver lining girl a year back. So maybe everything is going okay. Slowly but it’s still in the right direction. Right?
I still think I need something to make me stop thinking. If you know of something - please let me know. It’s kind of important.. Anyone?Of course not. Ha, someday I will find something like that! Sigh… maybe. Not.

Okay, that’s officially the most… I - don’t - even - know - how - to - call - it post. Let’s just end it.
Yours truly,
Ellerina - a work in progress

Over and Over

<3 This guys are my new obsession.
The last first day of school. It's kind of weird. It's hard to believe next year I won't be going to school. Maybe I'll be in Italy by now. It's like... good but bad in the same time. I guess I sound a little crazy but I don't know how to feel today. I guess the right word is... a little lonely. Confused. Tired. Maybe tired is the best choice.
Emotions are, like always, too much. Sometimes I hate being so emotional and sensitive. And not showing it sucks even more. Because let's be honest - no one likes too much sensibility. And to be even more honest - even I don't like too much sensibility.
I just need to sleep. I'm always like this when I didn't have enough sleep. Let's be positive - tomorrow will be better than today.
I want my freedom back. Because no matter what happens it's better when you feel free. Free to do what you think is right, what you feel is better for you. Whatever makes you happy. I'm tired of feeling... numb. Blocking feelings is no better then showing them too much. And I do one or the other over and over and over again. Which probably makes me... not very smart.
School hasn't started yet and I already need a break. Actually I need a break from my thoughts. I'm making it harder myself. Again - not very smart.
The positives about today are I'm starting to really want to go to Italy. Just get out of here for a while before I go completely crazy. As much as I am afraid of the new beginnings I'm even more afraid to stay stuck here with the same doubts and fears. Maybe Italy is the place to find people I trust. As hard as I tried to trust people here I can't. Not that is their fault. I don't trust anyone just like that. I can't, it's not me. I always think and think and - surprise, surprise - think again. And at some point I successfully manage to doubt every word I hear. I don't need everyone to tell me how much they love me or to call me everyday. I need to just... feel it. I don't know how to explain it.
And now I sound like a depressed eighteen year old. Which is totally not good. I have to do something that makes me happy. Something I love. But alone. Just to find the moment when I'm alone and I don't feel lonely. Tomorrow. I will draw, or write, or read, or take pictures... Go to the bookstore, or buy new sketch book, or find a beautiful notebook to write ideas in. I can go to the photo. I decided to start printing pictures for... something like a memory book. But since I don't have enough money to print them all at once, I decided to print 20 per month. Let's just hope I'll keep it going.
And now I feel a little bit better. I always do when I write here. I'll start to write more often maybe it will help me be... a normal happy eighteen year old.
Like I said tomorrow will be better. And if it's not... I will We will have to make it better. And by we I mean me and the people I should trust. Because you know me. No matter how I feel I love all of them too much to let go. I won't let them slip away. So the only choice I have is to try not to think too much and just jump forward in trusting them and hoping it will be worth the effort.
Tomorrow will definitely be better.

There’s nowhere we can hide

September is here.
And suddenly I feel like writing in English.
Actually I feel really different lately. No because something happened or I want to change. It's one of those moments when you know you're changing and you have no idea if you want to or is it going to be a good or a bad change. It's just happening. And we all know there's no way to stop it.
So I'm in different mood pretty much every second. But that's not surprising. It's always like that in September. The end of summer is always pretty emotional for me. It's an end and a beginning in the same time which is pretty confusing I guess.
Which leads me to the though of one the most amazing summers I had. If you ask me why I can sit here all night and tell you about every single little thing that made me smile or feel happy. And I'm guessing you won't be very entertained. So I won't do this to you. I'm still not that cruel. But the best thing about it is that even when I forget about all the little things that made me smile I will still remember the feeling this summer brought me. It's not fading away, it's going to be my warmth when the winter comes.
I had the best time at Arapya this year. It was so perfect. Nothing like I imagined it was going to be and still even more perfect. I won't tell you all about it either. It's something you can't really describe in a few sentences. Actually I can't describe it even if I write a whole book about it. Because I can't describe a feeling. That's the weakness of my writing. Strong feelings are always the hardest to explain.
I'm trying to prepare myself for the new school year. The last school year. It's strange to know this is my last year in school. I have absolutely no idea where I'll be at this time next year. Maybe Milan, or London, or Rome... or even Sofia. I don't know. I don't know what I want, I don't know where is the best place to be. For me. I want to make the right choice for once. I don't want to regret it again and the next five years to be like the last. I guess we'll see.
Until then I have four days of freedom left. And I think I really want to make them worth. I want this summer to have the ending it deserves. And all starts here, at Sapareva Banya. Here where it started.
There's nowhere we can hide from the falling leaves and the rain and the cold. There's nowhere we can hide from the autumn. But maybe soon we won't have to. Maybe the change won't be only for me. Maybe it will be the big change I need. We need. Maybe finally even autumn will bring a feeling worth remembering. Maybe.